After that last post... I'm not sure what to post, except that I am feeling much better after having eaten a huge cake all by myself, crying, and trying to sort all my emotions out.

Thank you for your kind words, sympathy and encouragement.

It certainly brought my attention to some of my hidden feelings and fears. Made me realize how much I depend on my husband and how much I love him. I also realized that I had been avoiding God as much as possible and that I need to reconnect with him - for my own sake - literally.

And guilty? Yes I do feel guilty. My husband and I have been on the brink of divorce a few times but we made it through those hard times. I also feel guilty because I was not emotionally there for him this whole time he has been sick. He was told he has been bleeding for some time now - possible the past 6 months.... which means I have basically treated him like he was a big baby and made him feel like he needed to "cowboy up" and get over it. I would have felt so bad for treating him like this if the outcome was terminal. And I do feel bad.

And the worst - during those hard times and the pain of losing someone you love and the feelings of being left.... all those feelings came back and made me feel like I was choking. Wether we were seperated by choice or seperated by death... I am not ready for this relationship to be over. Ever. I need to remember to treat him like the King of this house that he is and expect the same treatment from him.

We've been through a lot in our marriage of 7 years and 4 kids later... It has reconfirmed that we need to slow down. We need to cherish one another. We need to live and love as if it were the last chance we had.

Now who wants some Cake?
Just kidding...

9 comments:

Cynthia said...

You and I have much in common. I'm always afraid to trust God to guide me too. He's disappointed me in the past when what he wanted for me was not what I wanted- and it was a pretty important something. He did go on to bless me in his own time but I've had a hard time getting past the time he said 'no' even though I now have a knowledge of WHY.

It's okay to have moments when you aren't strong. You needed that cry and to let those emotions out so you could make room for the emotions that lie ahead. You've had a wake up call and the good news is that you picked up the phone! That's most of it right there.

I bought Dr. Laura's book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". I know it's contraversial for some people because of the title but the content is pretty awesome. I have read and re-read it. If you e-mail me your address, I'll send it to you. I have applied the principles in my home and my hubs now feels like he's spoiled rotten.

You don't need to feel awkward about your mini-meltdown. We all have those moments and you have a pretty darn good reason for stressing out! What is important now is how you move forward. We'll be here to 'hear' you and encourage you. I think we Moms like blogs because it's about the only place a Mom can get any sympathy for herself! LOL!

Kerri said...

Jess, I wanted to comment on your last post but it looked like the comments were turned off. I hope your doing better now! It sounds like you've had a really rough couple of weeks. I'm sorry.

Jami said...

I've read the book Cynthia is talking about, and I have to tell you Jess, it changed my life. Not just my life but my marriage, the way I view my husband... things rock now! I have never been so happy with the man I married! I'm glad you guys have stuck through the hard times and I'm sad it took something huge, but glad you've been able to see the blessing you have in your husband. I've been praying for you, I almost came and saw you the other day but I don't know your address. I know, lame excuse, but I was thinking about you, know that. I hope things get to where they need to be and will continue praying for both of you. I love you!
Jami :)

Lisa Loo said...

So glad you posted--was so worried about all of you! Cake and tears can be very healing! Wake up calls are tough--I haven't read the book Cynthia talks about but The 5 Love Languages did it for us. Marriage has been hard for me--I am so not good at it--so I don't have any words of wisdom but I am thinking about you and keeping you in my prayers--I don't know if you have had or will have time to visit my blog but I could send you some turtle poop--it also has magical healing powers!

Heidi Ashworth said...

Cake heals all wounds. (JK. sort of). I had something similar happen once. My husband was suffering from depression and I was dealing with an undiagnosed bipolar child who also has physical and learning disablilities. I just couldn't deal with him too--you know? So, one day he was complaining about stomach pains and I told him that he had better just buck up or take himself to the doctor. So he did. His appendix almost burst on the way to the hospital and he was rushed right into surgery. Boy did I feel guilty! (He has been taking depression meds for years since then and it has certainly helped a lot!) Since then we have had some VERY dark tough days and the conclusion I came to is the same one you have come to--I can only really rely on me and the Lord--and the Lord is totally essential. I am grateful for the experiences we have had b/c it has taught me so much. Also, a whole me and a whole him (my husband) make much better halves to the whole of us.

devri said...

I don't want some, I want the whole thing!!!

glad to hear your doing better..

Christina said...

Sending you hugs!! Try not to look back. Just move forward. I am sending vibes to make your husband better!

Heidi Ashworth said...

Thank you so much for your sweet comment on my blog today! It really made my day! :)

tammy said...

That's why I love this little bloggy world - we can vent, scream, cry, laugh, find support, all without leaving our home. Glad things are looking up. I'll take my piece covered in chocolate please.