After that last post... I'm not sure what to post, except that I am feeling much better after having eaten a huge cake all by myself, crying, and trying to sort all my emotions out.
Thank you for your kind words, sympathy and encouragement.
It certainly brought my attention to some of my hidden feelings and fears. Made me realize how much I depend on my husband and how much I love him. I also realized that I had been avoiding God as much as possible and that I need to reconnect with him - for my own sake - literally.
And guilty? Yes I do feel guilty. My husband and I have been on the brink of divorce a few times but we made it through those hard times. I also feel guilty because I was not emotionally there for him this whole time he has been sick. He was told he has been bleeding for some time now - possible the past 6 months.... which means I have basically treated him like he was a big baby and made him feel like he needed to "cowboy up" and get over it. I would have felt so bad for treating him like this if the outcome was terminal. And I do feel bad.
And the worst - during those hard times and the pain of losing someone you love and the feelings of being left.... all those feelings came back and made me feel like I was choking. Wether we were seperated by choice or seperated by death... I am not ready for this relationship to be over. Ever. I need to remember to treat him like the King of this house that he is and expect the same treatment from him.
We've been through a lot in our marriage of 7 years and 4 kids later... It has reconfirmed that we need to slow down. We need to cherish one another. We need to live and love as if it were the last chance we had.
Now who wants some Cake?