Feather Theme -
Just when I thought my life couldn't get any more busy...
I had a mini melt down. I knelt down to pray and the tears started flowing and I couldn't stop. I am soposed to be strong. I need to hold it all together. It's not life threatening and he will be home in a few days. Get it together Jess!
I went with my husband to the ER expecting them to swab him for strep throat, get a prescription and go home. But they admitted him and it turns out he is really sick. He has lost a lot of blood and has had several transfusions. They will do more tests today to see where he is bleeding from. This is the same guy who has had a heart attack at age 19 and had been hospitalized several times for too much stress on his heart. He's not even 30 years old!
I just can't handle it anymore. Deep down I worry about raising 4 kids by myself. I worry about being alone. I can make it without his income but I just can't make it without him. He is my best friend. The one that makes me laugh and the one that knows all the little things about me. The one who sends me flowers once a week and the one that leaves his socks on the floor. I know that eventually his heart will give out and we will face all those serious things one day. But it's not now. He is sick but it's not life or death kind of sick. But I lost it. I cried all morning. I made my kids worry when they saw me that way.
My family isn't here. We don't have any friends here that could help out. We have his parents and they've been so helpful. But they can't do everything. We've worked really hard to get to where we are today. I guess this is where the tough get tougher and it will either make you or break you. I should be most concerned about his health and getting better but I'm also worried about losing the house - maintaining the daycare - taking care of everyone. I just feel weak.
I haven't prayed for a long time. I have this attitude that if I want something out of life I have to work hard and get it myself. You get out of life what you put into it. It's nice that God is there and that he is a comforter. But I have been to afraid to lean on him and ask him for help. That's really hard for me. It took every ounce of strength to kneel down and ask for his help - and for his forgiveness.
But I did it and I had a meltdown. What ever you want God. I accept it. I will stop trying to do it my way. I will include you in my life. I will let you guide me. I've worked so hard to buy this house and to build up this daycare. I was going to make sure that no matter what happened that I would have a way to take care of myself and my kids. But maybe that's not what you want from me. I don't know what you want from me. Maybe gratitude and thankfullness. Maybe I didn't take time to say thank you for giving me the strength and determination to be able to work this hard and accomplish my goal. You were there every step of the way and I didn't recognize you. Maybe you want me to be humble. Maybe I don't need to show the world that I can be successful and strong. Maybe I need to stand back and look at the bigger picture. I still don't know. But I will pull myself together. I will be strong and I will do the things that must be done. And I will put YOU back into my life. I need you. Please forgive me for being mad at you. Thank you for giving me a wonderful husband. Thank you for giving me 4 beautiful children. Thank you for blessing me with all these wonderful people in my life. Thank you for showing me my weakness so I can become stronger. Please let me show my love for you by helping others. I rededicate myself to living and doing as you have asked me to do. Be my strength. Be my comforter. Bring me back into your fold. I need you.
another thought completed by Messy Jess