I haven't posted for awhile. I've been standing on one side of the street waiting to cross over and yet I don't. Just standing still and watching everyone else go by - observing. Taking mental notes. Seeing pain and joy and sadness. Wanting to say something... empathize with others.... Share....

What stops me? If only I could slow time down and enjoy the emotions of everything in my life. I get so busy doing everything all at once that time is like sand slipping through my fingers...

This is the spot I wanted to be in my entire life and I'm here. My baby is turning 1 this month and she is my last baby. I am done having children. In 4 years all my children will be in school. In 12 years they will all be teenagers. 12 years. I only have 12 years before they start drifting off and finding a place in this world. 12 years. The last 12 years went by so fast I can only account for them in pictures.

Am I depressed? NO. Sad or Lost? NO. It just makes me ponder about who I am and what I have to offer and what I want out of life and what I want to succeed in... Where are my priorities? Who are my friends? What qualities and personality characteristics do I want to work on?

No more fast lane for me or keeping up with the neighbors. I'm in the slow lane now and I've got the top down, my hair down and I am sight seeing. There is no more destination to reach or deadline to meet. I am enjoying life right now. I am leaving those dishes in the sink and the toys left on the floor. I am teaching my children everything I can think of while they are still here. On my floor. Reading books with me. Laughing. Sharing. That traffic can just keep on going. But I'm not crossing the street. I think I will meander up the sidewalk some more and see what I can discover.

13 comments:

Cynthia said...

It's so interesting to me that you posted this today as I've been in a similar place lately. My twins will be 9 this summer. 9. That's halfway to 18 when I'll technically no longer be 'resoponsible' for them. They are half raised!? It scared me to death to think about how much more I need to do to have them ready.

I'm also in a bit of a Mid-Mom Crisis for myself. I did a post about that but haven't published it. Maybe I should.

TMI Tara said...

Love this post Jess. I think everyone can relate at least a little bit. Life just goes by so quickly and if we can just slow down, live simply, and enjoy the moment.... When you figure out how, will you let me know!?!

Messy Jess said...

I hope that you publish it Cynthia.

tammy said...

Love this post. I am there too. Both my boys are in school all day, I have one turning 13 in just a few months. Life is good but I feel it rushing past faster than ever now.

Heidi Ashworth said...

This was beautifully written! Have you ever heard of bloggers annex? I think you should submit this there and see if they publish it. It's at www.bloggersannex.com

tiburon said...

Excellent thoughts. I need to pull into the slow lane for a bit!

Nana said...

Good for you!!! Enjoy every minute.
It was good to hear from you.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Oh, Jess! Hang in there! Clearly you are super strong! It is not wrong for you to be so totally self reliant in light of your husband's situation (I have a neighbor who married her husband thinking he would die any second b/c of his health problems. They had four kids and he lived 30 years. She also has worked really hard to make sure she would be okay when the time came--and she is) yet, at the same time, I can see how it easy it would be to feel like it would all come down on your shoulders and to forget how to put yourself in the Lord's hands. It would be very hard! Even scary! What a gift this time has been for you, a little reminder that you need to lean on Him and you--just the two of you. That's true for everyone, husband's poor health or not. It is a lesson we all need to learn but so many people just don't have the experiences to teach them that. As hard as this is, (and I'm so sorry!) it will help you--b/c you ARE going to need Him, no matter how strong you are.

devri said...

I need to slow down too, thanks for the reminder..

I am praying for you and your family... hugs..

tammy said...

I know you turned comments off on the above post, but I just wanted you to know you're in my thoughts and prayers. I hope your hubby will be okay. It's hard to be humble and accept His help sometimes I know. But I do know He is there, just waiting for us to come to Him.

Mother Goose said...

You and I could be soul mates! I understand everything you wrote. Heck, I could have wrote it minus the specifics but I have the same worries the same fears and the same weaknesses and the same stubborness! Heavenly Father knows you! He does, he knows the desires of your heart. Your post brought tears to my eyes. you and your family are truly in my prayers!

way to take a step back and slow down. I had to also. I had to step back and just take care of me and the fam.

TMI Tara said...

For some reason I can't leave a comment on your feather post. Anyway, I absolutely loved your post and the song. That is one of the only songs I have memorized on the piano and I play it often. It takes me to peaceful places and emotional places and spiritual places. I think it is a true masterpiece. Thank you for the reminder to let God lead me instead of me trying to be in charge. Lead Kindly Light.

Lisa Loo said...

Wow--Jess--I am so sorry about your husband. I have been a little behind getting around to peoples blogs. I wish I was closer so I could help out. I know your fears about loss--as I go throught this with my Dad---my prayers are with you--