take a number and sit in the waiting room...

Waiting - The act of remaining inactive or stationary.

An infant car seat sits in the storage room. It's just there taking up space. I haven't thrown it out or given it to someone in need. It's the "what if" we want another child... that prevents me from doing anything.

I can't just get rid of it. It would be like shutting a book on the final chapter. No more babies. The kids keep getting older. I keep getting older. The clock keeps ticking and the memory book keeps adding pages.

I recently had an emotional bump in the road. I went into a panic attack and immediately threw up some defense mechanisms which always results in me picking apart my life and trying to find better ways to keep my happiness intact and fend off those trying to take my peace of mind. Looking back on the past few weeks I've realized that I'm the one that is okay. The others involved are immature and don't know how to handle life situations. They haven't learned healthy ways of communicating. I don't need to change my life to fit around theirs.

Ignorance is bliss they say but some things you can't ignore and you are forced to deal with it. Once again it has boiled down to compassion and understanding. There is no right or wrong side but lots of past history shaping opinions and feelings and emotions. While I can't fix their problems or what they think of me I can control how much I let them into my life and allow them to take away from me. Now that...is peace of mind.

So into the storage box you go!! I've put this matter into a safe place next to the empty infant car seat. You are still there but I don't have to deal with it right now. I will take you out and deal with you when I am able to. It's not my problem and I do not own it. In the meantime I'm going to stop re-evaluating my life and how I can make you happy.

For where I have been and where I am headed....this is a huge step for me.

6 comments:

Brock Family said...

Jess I love this message, it rings true for so many people lives, and I find myslef doing the same thing all the time. reevalutaing my life because of someone else. Thank you for this inspiring message. We love you

DesertHen said...

Amen! Beautiful post!!!

Cynthia said...

Without knowing it, you picked out a phrase that we were specifically taught in the anxiety/panic attack support group we attended. When dealing with a stressful situation like you are, one of the 'tools' is to remind yourself that 'there is no right or wrong in most situations'. It takes the judgment (of ourselves and others) out of the equation thus removing much of the emotion.

I don't know if you often have panic attacks but attending a nearly-free Recovery support group was amazing for the spouse and I. It helped him deal with his anxiety and was very helpful for me too.

Janine Grey said...

I randomly fell upon your blog, but I can't believe how significant what you had to say is to my life right now. Thanks. =)

Devri said...

Loved this post! You are an amazing lady, don't forget it.

Nana said...

That's right sister!!