His comment
caught me off guard. We were talking
about a recent bike ride that he and his wife had finished with their
friends. His wife had hit something that
sent her to the ground with her friend crashing right into her from behind. Even though she had suffered bumps, bruises
and a chipped tooth I was jealous of their activities. I told him that in my next life I wanted to
be active and spend time doing fun things like bike riding. He looked at me and said “You know it’s not
too late to start in this lifetime”. I
raised my eyebrows and looked at him thoughtfully.
I continued
walking down the hall - my mind raced. My
first thought was, yeah but try being overweight. It really bothered me that he thought it was
so simple to “just start” doing what I wanted to do in life. At one point in my life I had been fit and
happy. How did I get here? I considered
my priorities. Being a mom, helping with
the financial struggles of raising children...
having a business to run. I
admitted to myself that being active and fit was not high on my list of
priorities. Did that mean that he was
better than I was because he had chosen different priorities in life than I
did? Did he deserve to pursue his wants because he was smarter or had different
life experiences? I became defensive. YEAH – BUT……
What other
excuses could I come up with to defend how I got here to this point. I bet he didn’t have to grow up in a
situation where fighting for daily living(needs) instead of wants –was a
lifestyle. I assumed that he was able
to have what he needed growing up and he
could now focus on his wants. In a way I
was still struggling with just fulfilling my needs and the needs of my
family. Wants? That was just an extra luxury.
I played with
the idea of rearranging my priorities.
If I wanted to achieve the level of fitness I desired I would have to
spend quite a chunk of my time working out and money to buy the right kind of
healthy foods. Even if I could afford it – the time it took away from my other
goals would create unbalance in my life and the other things I valued.
I’ve been
quite frustrated with not being able to balance my needs and wants. In a recent conversation with someone who
knows me really well, I realized that I
was expecting my husband to fill my emotional needs and wants and that because
of his own needs and wants – opposite of mine – that I may not ever get what I
wanted in our relationship or feel that I would be able to meet his... It left me feeling hopeless and sad. How do I get what I need and want from Life?
I took my
questions to prayer and my answers came almost immediately when I found a book
while shopping. Flipping through its
contents the words “needs, wants and
priorities” caught my attention. It was
no accident or coincident I thought and I
bought the book on a whim and went home
and got lost in its pages.
I’ve tried to
summarize the main points – basically,
human beings have both needs and wants.
For most people fulfilling their “needs” consumes most of their time and
fulfilling “wants” ends up just being a wonderful extra if they get to it. The author goes on to say that having
unfulfilled wants can feel quite painful especially in a world that tells us
that we deserve to have it all. The
world says; “You should have it all and if you don’t -then maybe it’s because
you are not smart or diligent enough.” Exactly what I have been feeling.
In his
book “Howards Gift by Eric C. Sinoway” he says, “we can’t maximize ourselves on all
dimensions at the same time. We cannot
pursue all of our goals simultaneously, nor satisfy all of our desires right
away.” I made a mental note of what I
needed and wanted. It was like trying to
choose your favorite child and forget about the others – not going to
happen! How do I get what I need and
want and find balance in it?
To feel satisfied
and fulfilled, he continues, start by answering this question: “ Who is it I
want to be and what is the legacy I want to leave?” “Who you want to be is a reflection of your
values – We must have a value based vision of ourselves of who we are and what
we believe.
The same
friend I mentioned before wrote an obituary of how she would like to be
remembered. In the book it talked about
the same thing. You need to have a clear
picture of who you want to be.
Another thing
the author mentions is that we get too caught up with completing the road we
are on when really we should stop and ask ourselves is that the direction we
still want to go? Have our desires
changed? Did we come across new
information that may change our way of thinking or add to it?
When is the
last time you have sat down and gave yourself a mental evaluation? You can ask yourself: “Do I want to continue
on this path or is now the moment to change direction? Some people can only see one way of getting
things done when in fact there are other ways, detours, rest stops along the
way.
I’m filled
with hope again that I can figure out what I really want and need in life. Which
values do I believe in most and want to exemplify in my life? What can I let go? Can I find a new purpose and direction? I hope you are happy in your journey with all
its twists and bends -whatever road that may be. Love always, Jess
*Howards Gift
is a book written by colleague and friend Erick Sinoway about the wisdom from
Howard Stevenson of Harvard Business School
