My life is deeply rich in so many ways
March 18th 2009
6 years ago... My water broke at 4:30 am. I was finally going to have this baby. We had just moved into the trailer that day and I had overdone it by moving boxes and setting up beds so we could move in and be settled.
My first born and only son was born that evening at 8:03 pm after a long and painful delivery. There was so much that went wrong and I wish that as first time parents we had known more and could have prevented a lot that went on that day. His head was too big to pass through the birthing canal. He put his hand out and they had to shove it back in. They made me wait to push because everyone else was having their baby at the same time...
But he arrived. All beat up and black and blue. They tried to cover the cut on the top of his head from when they cut me to help get him out. And I wish we had been smarter about it...
But the moment when they placed him on my chest and our eyes locked. It was such a beautiful moment. I asked my baby boy if he hurt as much as I did and he looked at me and started to cry and I kissed him and held him and knew that I was his mother and this is what I had wanted my entire life. All the fears that I had escaped in that moment and I couldn't take my eyes off of him.
And then new fears slowly crept in. Jon was like a baby doll that I packed around. He lay on a pillow and stared at the ceiling fan going round and round. He was not developing like new borns should. After 5 months his head had gradually grown and we knew something was terribly wrong. We insisted that some tests were done.
3 days later we found ourselves moving to Wyoming to live with my in-laws and so that Darrel could find better work and that we could get medical assistance from the state of Wyoming. And thank Heavens we did.
Jon was diagnosed with hydrocephalus which is water on the brain. But Jon's condition was rare. He had a soft spot on top of his head we could fit a baseball onto. It was that big. As long as his soft spot remained open there was no need to perform any type of surgery. So we concentrated on his physical and mental development. He had therapy and people would come to the house and work with him. When he got old enough he went to a special school. And he became the most active little person we had ever seen - he literally climbed the walls, the fence... anything he could get a toe hold on.
And then over about 6 months his head began to grow rapidly and his soft spot closed and the bones grew together and started to make a ridge right down the middle of his head! We took him to different specialist and he was diagnosed with cranialsynitosis which is where all the plates in your skull grow together too soon and puts pressure on the growing brain.
We made the decision to take him to Denver where a team of doctors would shave his head, pull back his scalp and take a sander to flatten and smooth his skull to be able to cut the plates apart.
I can't describe the feelings my husband and I went through. The surgery took longer than expected and to us it was a nightmare.
Jon recovered from his surgery within a week and we were able to take him home. He did really well from then on. His headaches were gone and he amazed us with his accomplishments.
And then Jon turned 3. On his birthday I was babysitting my friends foster children. They were not being nice to Jon. So Jon was by my side and helping with the dishes. He took the dishwasher rack out and started to run down the hallway. Before I knew it he had tripped...face first into the rack.
We called 911 and within seconds someone was there. The prongs from the dishwasher had gone through his eyelids and now blood was coming from his eyes. We had no idea what the depth of the injury was.
We went by ambulance to the hospital where the only helicopter was already in route with another patient. So we were transferred to another ambulance and drove nearly four hours to Rapid City South Dakota to a hospital that could handle the situation.
My husband rode in the ambulance and I followed in the truck. I'm glad that my husband was there to hold him because as upset as I was I would have not been able to calm Jonathon. I was able to think about what had happened and try to forgive myself for not being a wiser mother and preventing this. The wind that day was fierce and it took every ounce of strength I had to keep the truck on the road. It was difficult to keep up with the ambulance and the usual 2 1/2 hour trip turned into 4 hours.
In sparing you the details we were able to take our son home without surgery without stitches and without any further complications. He hasn't lost any of his vision and we consider it a miracle.
The past 3 years Jonathon has come leaps and bounds. His once autistic ways have been replaced with almost normalcy and we wonder and awe at his progress. He still has to have a strict routine in place or he starts acting like Rain man...but we couldn't have asked for a better blessing.
Jon is 6 today. He gets up every day and his first question is "Is it a school day?"
He knows that it is his birthday month and so his next question is "Is it my birthday?"
Yes Jon. Today is your birthday. Happy Birthday Son. I am so glad your here.
6 years ago... My water broke at 4:30 am. I was finally going to have this baby. We had just moved into the trailer that day and I had overdone it by moving boxes and setting up beds so we could move in and be settled.
My first born and only son was born that evening at 8:03 pm after a long and painful delivery. There was so much that went wrong and I wish that as first time parents we had known more and could have prevented a lot that went on that day. His head was too big to pass through the birthing canal. He put his hand out and they had to shove it back in. They made me wait to push because everyone else was having their baby at the same time...
But he arrived. All beat up and black and blue. They tried to cover the cut on the top of his head from when they cut me to help get him out. And I wish we had been smarter about it...
But the moment when they placed him on my chest and our eyes locked. It was such a beautiful moment. I asked my baby boy if he hurt as much as I did and he looked at me and started to cry and I kissed him and held him and knew that I was his mother and this is what I had wanted my entire life. All the fears that I had escaped in that moment and I couldn't take my eyes off of him.
And then new fears slowly crept in. Jon was like a baby doll that I packed around. He lay on a pillow and stared at the ceiling fan going round and round. He was not developing like new borns should. After 5 months his head had gradually grown and we knew something was terribly wrong. We insisted that some tests were done.
3 days later we found ourselves moving to Wyoming to live with my in-laws and so that Darrel could find better work and that we could get medical assistance from the state of Wyoming. And thank Heavens we did.
Jon was diagnosed with hydrocephalus which is water on the brain. But Jon's condition was rare. He had a soft spot on top of his head we could fit a baseball onto. It was that big. As long as his soft spot remained open there was no need to perform any type of surgery. So we concentrated on his physical and mental development. He had therapy and people would come to the house and work with him. When he got old enough he went to a special school. And he became the most active little person we had ever seen - he literally climbed the walls, the fence... anything he could get a toe hold on.
And then over about 6 months his head began to grow rapidly and his soft spot closed and the bones grew together and started to make a ridge right down the middle of his head! We took him to different specialist and he was diagnosed with cranialsynitosis which is where all the plates in your skull grow together too soon and puts pressure on the growing brain.
We made the decision to take him to Denver where a team of doctors would shave his head, pull back his scalp and take a sander to flatten and smooth his skull to be able to cut the plates apart.
I can't describe the feelings my husband and I went through. The surgery took longer than expected and to us it was a nightmare.
Jon recovered from his surgery within a week and we were able to take him home. He did really well from then on. His headaches were gone and he amazed us with his accomplishments.
And then Jon turned 3. On his birthday I was babysitting my friends foster children. They were not being nice to Jon. So Jon was by my side and helping with the dishes. He took the dishwasher rack out and started to run down the hallway. Before I knew it he had tripped...face first into the rack.
We called 911 and within seconds someone was there. The prongs from the dishwasher had gone through his eyelids and now blood was coming from his eyes. We had no idea what the depth of the injury was.
We went by ambulance to the hospital where the only helicopter was already in route with another patient. So we were transferred to another ambulance and drove nearly four hours to Rapid City South Dakota to a hospital that could handle the situation.
My husband rode in the ambulance and I followed in the truck. I'm glad that my husband was there to hold him because as upset as I was I would have not been able to calm Jonathon. I was able to think about what had happened and try to forgive myself for not being a wiser mother and preventing this. The wind that day was fierce and it took every ounce of strength I had to keep the truck on the road. It was difficult to keep up with the ambulance and the usual 2 1/2 hour trip turned into 4 hours.
In sparing you the details we were able to take our son home without surgery without stitches and without any further complications. He hasn't lost any of his vision and we consider it a miracle.
The past 3 years Jonathon has come leaps and bounds. His once autistic ways have been replaced with almost normalcy and we wonder and awe at his progress. He still has to have a strict routine in place or he starts acting like Rain man...but we couldn't have asked for a better blessing.
Jon is 6 today. He gets up every day and his first question is "Is it a school day?"
He knows that it is his birthday month and so his next question is "Is it my birthday?"
Yes Jon. Today is your birthday. Happy Birthday Son. I am so glad your here.
After that last post... I'm not sure what to post, except that I am feeling much better after having eaten a huge cake all by myself, crying, and trying to sort all my emotions out.
Thank you for your kind words, sympathy and encouragement.
It certainly brought my attention to some of my hidden feelings and fears. Made me realize how much I depend on my husband and how much I love him. I also realized that I had been avoiding God as much as possible and that I need to reconnect with him - for my own sake - literally.
And guilty? Yes I do feel guilty. My husband and I have been on the brink of divorce a few times but we made it through those hard times. I also feel guilty because I was not emotionally there for him this whole time he has been sick. He was told he has been bleeding for some time now - possible the past 6 months.... which means I have basically treated him like he was a big baby and made him feel like he needed to "cowboy up" and get over it. I would have felt so bad for treating him like this if the outcome was terminal. And I do feel bad.
And the worst - during those hard times and the pain of losing someone you love and the feelings of being left.... all those feelings came back and made me feel like I was choking. Wether we were seperated by choice or seperated by death... I am not ready for this relationship to be over. Ever. I need to remember to treat him like the King of this house that he is and expect the same treatment from him.
We've been through a lot in our marriage of 7 years and 4 kids later... It has reconfirmed that we need to slow down. We need to cherish one another. We need to live and love as if it were the last chance we had.
Now who wants some Cake?
Just kidding...
Thank you for your kind words, sympathy and encouragement.
It certainly brought my attention to some of my hidden feelings and fears. Made me realize how much I depend on my husband and how much I love him. I also realized that I had been avoiding God as much as possible and that I need to reconnect with him - for my own sake - literally.
And guilty? Yes I do feel guilty. My husband and I have been on the brink of divorce a few times but we made it through those hard times. I also feel guilty because I was not emotionally there for him this whole time he has been sick. He was told he has been bleeding for some time now - possible the past 6 months.... which means I have basically treated him like he was a big baby and made him feel like he needed to "cowboy up" and get over it. I would have felt so bad for treating him like this if the outcome was terminal. And I do feel bad.
And the worst - during those hard times and the pain of losing someone you love and the feelings of being left.... all those feelings came back and made me feel like I was choking. Wether we were seperated by choice or seperated by death... I am not ready for this relationship to be over. Ever. I need to remember to treat him like the King of this house that he is and expect the same treatment from him.
We've been through a lot in our marriage of 7 years and 4 kids later... It has reconfirmed that we need to slow down. We need to cherish one another. We need to live and love as if it were the last chance we had.
Now who wants some Cake?
Just kidding...
Feather Theme -
Just when I thought my life couldn't get any more busy...
I had a mini melt down. I knelt down to pray and the tears started flowing and I couldn't stop. I am soposed to be strong. I need to hold it all together. It's not life threatening and he will be home in a few days. Get it together Jess!
I went with my husband to the ER expecting them to swab him for strep throat, get a prescription and go home. But they admitted him and it turns out he is really sick. He has lost a lot of blood and has had several transfusions. They will do more tests today to see where he is bleeding from. This is the same guy who has had a heart attack at age 19 and had been hospitalized several times for too much stress on his heart. He's not even 30 years old!
I just can't handle it anymore. Deep down I worry about raising 4 kids by myself. I worry about being alone. I can make it without his income but I just can't make it without him. He is my best friend. The one that makes me laugh and the one that knows all the little things about me. The one who sends me flowers once a week and the one that leaves his socks on the floor. I know that eventually his heart will give out and we will face all those serious things one day. But it's not now. He is sick but it's not life or death kind of sick. But I lost it. I cried all morning. I made my kids worry when they saw me that way.
My family isn't here. We don't have any friends here that could help out. We have his parents and they've been so helpful. But they can't do everything. We've worked really hard to get to where we are today. I guess this is where the tough get tougher and it will either make you or break you. I should be most concerned about his health and getting better but I'm also worried about losing the house - maintaining the daycare - taking care of everyone. I just feel weak.
I haven't prayed for a long time. I have this attitude that if I want something out of life I have to work hard and get it myself. You get out of life what you put into it. It's nice that God is there and that he is a comforter. But I have been to afraid to lean on him and ask him for help. That's really hard for me. It took every ounce of strength to kneel down and ask for his help - and for his forgiveness.
But I did it and I had a meltdown. What ever you want God. I accept it. I will stop trying to do it my way. I will include you in my life. I will let you guide me. I've worked so hard to buy this house and to build up this daycare. I was going to make sure that no matter what happened that I would have a way to take care of myself and my kids. But maybe that's not what you want from me. I don't know what you want from me. Maybe gratitude and thankfullness. Maybe I didn't take time to say thank you for giving me the strength and determination to be able to work this hard and accomplish my goal. You were there every step of the way and I didn't recognize you. Maybe you want me to be humble. Maybe I don't need to show the world that I can be successful and strong. Maybe I need to stand back and look at the bigger picture. I still don't know. But I will pull myself together. I will be strong and I will do the things that must be done. And I will put YOU back into my life. I need you. Please forgive me for being mad at you. Thank you for giving me a wonderful husband. Thank you for giving me 4 beautiful children. Thank you for blessing me with all these wonderful people in my life. Thank you for showing me my weakness so I can become stronger. Please let me show my love for you by helping others. I rededicate myself to living and doing as you have asked me to do. Be my strength. Be my comforter. Bring me back into your fold. I need you.
I haven't posted for awhile. I've been standing on one side of the street waiting to cross over and yet I don't. Just standing still and watching everyone else go by - observing. Taking mental notes. Seeing pain and joy and sadness. Wanting to say something... empathize with others.... Share....
What stops me? If only I could slow time down and enjoy the emotions of everything in my life. I get so busy doing everything all at once that time is like sand slipping through my fingers...
This is the spot I wanted to be in my entire life and I'm here. My baby is turning 1 this month and she is my last baby. I am done having children. In 4 years all my children will be in school. In 12 years they will all be teenagers. 12 years. I only have 12 years before they start drifting off and finding a place in this world. 12 years. The last 12 years went by so fast I can only account for them in pictures.
Am I depressed? NO. Sad or Lost? NO. It just makes me ponder about who I am and what I have to offer and what I want out of life and what I want to succeed in... Where are my priorities? Who are my friends? What qualities and personality characteristics do I want to work on?
No more fast lane for me or keeping up with the neighbors. I'm in the slow lane now and I've got the top down, my hair down and I am sight seeing. There is no more destination to reach or deadline to meet. I am enjoying life right now. I am leaving those dishes in the sink and the toys left on the floor. I am teaching my children everything I can think of while they are still here. On my floor. Reading books with me. Laughing. Sharing. That traffic can just keep on going. But I'm not crossing the street. I think I will meander up the sidewalk some more and see what I can discover.
What stops me? If only I could slow time down and enjoy the emotions of everything in my life. I get so busy doing everything all at once that time is like sand slipping through my fingers...
This is the spot I wanted to be in my entire life and I'm here. My baby is turning 1 this month and she is my last baby. I am done having children. In 4 years all my children will be in school. In 12 years they will all be teenagers. 12 years. I only have 12 years before they start drifting off and finding a place in this world. 12 years. The last 12 years went by so fast I can only account for them in pictures.
Am I depressed? NO. Sad or Lost? NO. It just makes me ponder about who I am and what I have to offer and what I want out of life and what I want to succeed in... Where are my priorities? Who are my friends? What qualities and personality characteristics do I want to work on?
No more fast lane for me or keeping up with the neighbors. I'm in the slow lane now and I've got the top down, my hair down and I am sight seeing. There is no more destination to reach or deadline to meet. I am enjoying life right now. I am leaving those dishes in the sink and the toys left on the floor. I am teaching my children everything I can think of while they are still here. On my floor. Reading books with me. Laughing. Sharing. That traffic can just keep on going. But I'm not crossing the street. I think I will meander up the sidewalk some more and see what I can discover.
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