redefining myself....

We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.

We got pregnant when were not expecting to get pregnant. I was overly excited. Announced it on face book...told everyone in the world. I couldn't stop smiling. I was looking forward to the morning sickness and aches and pains. May 1st I did an ultrasound and heard the heartbeat. What amazing feelings that created. I had thought we were done creating our family and was so pleased that we would be able to have one more... I love being pregnant.

Another ultrasound a few weeks later confirmed that we lost the pregnancy. Even though my body was rejecting it - my mind wanted to convince me other wise. I knew that miscarriages were emotional but I was not prepared for the physical pain. I have B- blood type and I got very sick - I lay in bed for 2 weeks before I sought a second opinion. The new Dr immediately gave me a RhoGAM shot and within 24 hours I was feeling much better. I followed that with medicine to help my body expel the rest of the miscarriage. This is just like real labor without the delivery of course - but I finally feel like I can go on with life.

And then there is the let down of hormones. I got emotional through out this process but it was today that I just sat down and cried my eyes out. I had to tell myself that it was okay - the depressing thoughts going through my head were just hormonal.

My son Jon wants to name the baby Spongebob. This has helped the children understand that they are not getting a baby brother or sister... Jon took it the hardest - he would like to have a brother somewhere among all those sisters. So we now have a baby spongebob waiting in heaven for us and my husband and I try not to laugh at bedtime prayers when the kids bless everyone - including spongebob.

I have to express my extreme thankfulness to my Husband - not once has he complained about helping with the laundry, the dishes, the shopping, bedtime routine - he has done it all while I laid on the couch or stayed in bed. I have come to love him more and more each day. So thankful that I was lucky enough to be the one he wanted to marry. I used to be envious of others who seemed to be "lucky" but I have grown to understand that luck has nothing to do with it....even the theory you get out of life what you put into it....just doesn't stand up to knowing that there is a real God in Heaven who watches over His children and loves them and cares for them like we love and take care of our own families.

I've been thinking about this a lot this week....I was asked to talk in church on Language. And I use colorful words a lot...and sarcasm to hide the feelings inside. I have slowly desensitized myself from feeling close to God.

I jokingly said to my friends that if I cleaned up my mouth they wouldn't recognize me. At least not the person they know. I want to change. I want to be the spiritual person that I know resides inside this body. I want to feel inspired. I want to have wholesome thoughts running through my head. I want to keep learning and growing. I'm returning to my spiritual self. I would love to know the mysteries of God... so I'm going to start with just this one thing.

I don't know how to translate that into a talk everyone can understand so I googled's what I've got so far.

Swearing and cussing and talking ill of others leads to this...taken from Cuss Control Academy

It gives a bad impression
It makes you unpleasant to be with
It endangers your relationships
It's a tool for whiners and complainers
It reduces respect people have for you
It shows you don't have control
It's a sign of a bad attitude
It discloses a lack of character
It's immature
It reflects ignorance
It sets a bad example

It contributes to the decline of civility
It represents the dumbing down of America
It offends more people than you think
It makes others uncomfortable
It is disrespectful of others
It turns discussions into arguments
It can be a sign of hostility
It can lead to violence

It's abrasive, lazy language
It doesn't communicate clearly
It neglects more meaningful words
It lacks imagination
It has lost its effectiveness

Wiki How tells us how to stop swearing....
Recognize that you have a problem
Understand why you swear
Know why you want to stop swearing
Make a commitment with yourself to stop
Express yourself better
Accept responsibility
Enlist support
Find substitute words
Punish yourself
Reward yourself


Jami said...

Oh, Jess. I had no idea. I knew you were pregnant, but didn't know you were miscarrying. I did that once. Very hard, emotionally AND physically. I'm so glad you're able to get through it. :) Do you need anything? Please call me if you do, ok?? 257-7650
p.s. Everytime I watch Spongebob, I'll be thinking of you. ;)

tammy said...

So sorry about the miscarriage.

Bryant said...

Hang in there, we love you. Holar if there is anything I can do.

Bryant said...

Sorry I'm on Bry's computer. That last message is from me, Renna.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Oh, Jess, this gave me goosebumps! I was so happy for you that you were pregnant, and then sad that you miscarried (I've had a D&C before--it's hard) and then joyful to learn that this has been a growing experience in your life that has helped you to better understand your purpose and what really matters. You go girl!

Cynthia said...

I am so sorry for your loss! What a rollercoaster of emotions. You've had so many struggles this past year.

I like the idea of dealing with one thing. I need to join you on the cussing thing so I really appreciated you posting it. I'm trying to break the habit too. You're not alone in that!